Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD): 08/09/11

MY PERFECT MAN

This is what drew me in, in the first place. I appear to have an enormous capacity for PITY. I am, in other words, a sucker for a sob story. When someone with NPD (aka a 'narc') meets someone with a huge amount of pity, they make a beeline for that person and begin the slow process of sucking them dry. They will lay it on thickly, the never-ending Poor Me Monologue.

At first you think, 'Oh my god, poor man! He's like a lost child. No human being can help oozing pity when he pouts and says in his quiet, apparently non-demanding, almost humble way, looking up at you with his big, soulful brown eyes, 'Nobody understands me, nobody has ever said they love me, nobody really takes any interest in my projects and hobbies..."

Only a person with a heart of stone would fail to feel pity for this man. He's so polite, so charming, so humble, so quietly-spoken, so meek and so good looking and generally lovable. Poor him! He is so hard done by, the world has been SO cruel to him, yet he has done nothing to deserve it. In his own words, he is 'decent, honest, truthful, respectful'. Why can't the world see these wonderful qualities that he has? Because the world is cruel, that is why, because the world gives all the love and attention to loud, arrogant, cocky men who strut around demanding attention and respect. And all the while this sweet, humble, honest, decent man is overlooked.

This man not only needed my love, my pity and my care, he (unlike most) actually DESERVED it. Here at last was a man to whom I could give my heart, knowing that he'd cherish me in return because he would also take an interest in me and see that I have, just like him, wonderful qualities to bring to what was sure to be a mutually satisfying, loving, caring, two-way, equal relationship.

At the beginning, he is the neediest one, so the relationship isn't equal. But you know that relationships swing like pendula. When one is needy, the other gives, and vice versa. At this point, he was the needy one, and so for now it would be temporarily unbalanced because I had a lot of remedial work to carry out on him before he could reciprocate.

Where to start?

Well, firstly, none of his family or friends take any interest in his hobbies. He is rebuilding his house singlehanded. Why can't these morons see what a heroic task this is? He grumbles that they take no interest, but when I say that's terrible, he responds by defending them in quiet, kind words. Oh they mean well, I suppose it's just that they aren't interested in what I am doing. He flashes me a glance with those gorgeous eyes then pouts with disappointment. So I'm the one who is angry with his family and friends for not being supportive, and he is saying, Don't be harsh on them, they are good people, really they are. And I am amazed that he can be so generous as to defend these people who are treating him so badly. This reinforces what a thoroughly nice bloke he is, and, ipso facto, deserves to have his small needs met.

I resolve to give him every bit of praise and encouragement that he needs. It costs nothing, just a few words now and again. And the first time I do it, I am rewarded when his whole face lights up with happiness and gratitude. I even get hugged and kissed. His appreciation seems disproportionate, but that just serves to reinforce how terribly needy he is, how much he's been unfairly deprived of any kind of positive feedback for the stupendous amount of work, both backbreaking and skilled, that he has performed on his house.

Women of my age (50s) are always bemoaning the fact that 'all the good men are either spoken for or gay.' It seemed incredible, unbelievable, that such a 'catch' was single and available. I genuinely felt that I had moved a rock and found underneath a diamond that nobody had noticed, because they were too star-struck by the Fool's Gold glittering in the sun nearby. What treasure I found, lurking unnoticed by anyone because it didn't scream 'Hey, look at me!'

He explained that he was undervalued and underappreciated at work. He said he was one of only six people in the UK who had his skills. Naturally I was appalled on his behalf and reassured him that they should be grateful to have someone so skilled working for them. He ought to get raises, bonuses, praise, commendations, medals!

His relationship history is heart-wrenching. Until recently, he has been living with a woman for twenty years. She never once said that she loved him. I am shocked, and cradle him in my arms as he pouts. She must be a robot - who could possibly FAIL to love such a lovable man? So why didn't you leave her? Because she could not cope without me, he says. Shortly after we bought the house together, she suddenly and without discussion cut her work hours by half, and so she could not survive financially without his income. I am outraged that she took advantage of him in this way! Helping herself to his earnings! Why didn't he stand up for himself? Because he just wanted a quiet life. I explain to this sweet, naive man that she manipulated him into a situation in which he had to work harder and pay all the bills so she could have loads of free time to hang out with her friends! He quietly defends her. Oh no, she's a good, kind person, really. Well, I say, no doubt having all that free time meant she saw to the housework, so it's a fair exchange... Oh no, he corrects me, he did more than his half-share of the housework and he did all the cooking. She did a bit of tidying up now and again, filled the washing machine occasionally. I am appalled and outraged on his behalf. This woman has clearly exploited his gentle, non-confrontational nature.

She part-owned the house, so surely she, if no one else, gave him support, praise and encouragement in its rebuilding? No, she was not in the least bit interested in any of the improvements he was making. He'd work his fingers to the bone to make a beautiful home for her, and she didn't even notice. Oh my goodness, that must have been soul-destroying. How could she NOT be interested? I reassured him that it was very interesting to me.

Oh, he adds, not only did she never say she loved him, she was completely emotionally and physically cold towards him. No kisses, no cuddles... and no sex! Well, when they first met she would do anything to please him and as often as he liked. But for some reason that he could not understand, while they were living together she grew increasingly cold and withdrew. He looked hurt and bewildered. The poor man didn't even realise he was a victim of the classic bait-and-switch! Someone acts in a certain way to snare and trap you, then stops. You should have ended it years ago, I said. Yes, I suppose so, he said, but it would be extremely caddish for a man to throw a woman out just because she's not giving him sex. I just had to learn to live without it. Didn't you have affairs, I asked, ready to defend his right to do so, and he said no, he could not do such a horrible thing to her. Besides, he added as an afterthought, she was very jealous and controlling, he had to account for his every movement, so even if he could have overcome his moral objection, he could not have obtained the space or time to have an affair, anyway. It seemed incredibly cruel to refuse him sex, AND refuse to let him get it anywhere else -- did she expect him to be celibate from the age of 35 until he died? That was outrageous!

He goes quiet for a few moments, then a little-boy-lost look appears on his face and he adds, but it wasn't the withdrawal of sex that hurt me so much, but the withholding of any kind of affection or love. She refused even to kiss me. In the end we both agreed that we had to split up, and she was terribly nice about it, and I am relieved and grateful that she took the break-up so well.

By now I am in tears at his almost inhuman generosity of spirit towards her, that she clearly did not deserve. The poor man! What terrible trauma he'd been through. He now bore the scars of a browbeaten man who had suffered the witholding of sex, love and affection coupled with being tightly supervised by an unfair, unjust, selfish, control freak. I made a mental note never, ever to be any of those things. I felt an enormous urge to be the opposite of everything SHE was.

The sad story of his long term relationship explained why such a wonderful, charming, decent, kind, perfect-in-every-way man was still single - because he had been entrapped and practically held hostage by this cold-hearted user who had ruthlessly exploited his innocent generosity. They'd only just split, and I was aware that if I didn't snap him up quickly I'll have missed my small window of opportunity that existed before he went straight into another long-term commitment and, given that he was already fifty, this amounted to being taken 'off the market' forever. It was surely only a matter of weeks, if not days, before another woman would, like me, become away of this treasure right under her nose in the office or the neighbourhood.

He told me with great modesty that he had worked hard all his life to teach himself motorcycle engineering and was now highly skilled. I was very impressed. He could manufacture every part of a motorbike himself now, on his own premises, and spent part of his free time rebuilding vintage bikes. The only trouble was, others with similar bikes exploited his hard-earned knowledge. They'd interrupt him while he was busy plastering a wall or mending his own bike, or having some well-earned but rare leisure time, and keep him on the phone for hours asking for his expert advice. Some even brought their bikes to his workshop and expected him to mend them! I said it was a darned cheek! Why didn't he stand up to them? He shrugged passively and explained that they needed him, there was literally nobody else in the world who could solve their problems, and so he had no choice but to help them. I said he should charge for telephone consultations, or tell people he was busy. But it was obvious to me by then that he could possilby be that hard-nosed. he had the softest, tenderest heart of any man, and people trampled all over it. He told me that every year he organised and hosted a motorcycle rally and barbecue, with no help from anyone, ever, and all at his own expense. Each year fewer people turned up, and yet it cost him a huge amount of effort, time and money to organise. My heart cried out in utter pity for him. I had never felt so sorry for someone in my whole life.

By now he and I were in a set pattern: he would tell me how badly people treated him, I became appalled and outraged on his behalf, then he'd quietly defend them from my attack, saying they weren't all that bad. These people meant well, they didn't mean to be such a bother. Again I shook my head in disbelief that this man could have such generosity of spirit towards people who were constantly taking advantage of his good nature. I was so emotionally touched that he still had only good things to say about such people, it proved what a lovely person he was, who sees only the good in everyone, which is a wonderful quality to have. Unfortunately his innocent naivety had left him wide open to exploitation. Clearly, he needed me not only to praise and encourage him, to support and love him, but to protect him from any future mis-use.

He also told me many anecdotes about himself. I was thrilled to bits to meet a man so emotionally open, so willing to share his inner self with me. I was flattered that he trusted me so much that he could open up to me so easily. I didn't realise, because he did it so subtly, that all his anecdotes served to illustrate how kind, decent, upright, moral, gentle and generous he was. He made a particular virtue of his honesty -- he would never tell a lie.

Everything I learned from this wonderful man's frankness made me believe it was 100% safe to give him all my love without reservation or holding back, because everything he said made it perfectly clear that he longed for it, needed it, was almost literally crying out for it. This was a man who would never break my heart, never leave me (so long as I treated him right, which of course I would). Secondly, unlike many men, he has no fear of long term commitment, so this was a man I could set up home with in the future. And he would be a perfect house-mate, too, because he would happily share the chores.

Unbelievable as it seemed, I genuinely HAD met the Perfect Man.

I pinched myself, and found that I was awake!

****************************************************

If only I had known he had NPD I could have googled it and found these quotes from other victims. I have emboldened the words that sting me the most or have the most resonance.

"They can come across as a sad lost child sometimes, so that you feel for them and want to take care of them."

"Every narcissist I have known puts on false modesty. They clamor for admiration between the lines, subtly."

"Our 'soul mate' is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his ‘idealization’ of us phase."

"Narcissists are possessed of inordinate abilities to charm, to convince, to seduce and to persuade. They are gifted orators. In many cases, they are intellectually endowed. They put all this to the limited use of obtaining Narcissistic Supply. He uses charm to...ensure that the person he ‘bewitched’ won’t disappear on him."

“The narcissist mimics real emotions artfully. He exudes the air of someone really capable of loving or of being hurt, of one passionate and soft, empathic and caring. Most people are misled into believing that he is even more humane than average. They fall in love with the mirage, the fleeting image, with the fata morgana of a lush emotional oasis in the midst of their emotional desert. They succumb to the luring proposition that he is. They give in, give up, and give everything."

"He appears to be intelligent, charming and, therefore, reliable. He is a convincing conjurer of words, signs, behaviours, and body language."

"They appear to be our 'soulmate' in the early 'idealization of us' stage of the relationship. When they are 'introjecting' or mirroring, they assimilate our plans, philosophies, dreams and goals. They can mimic our words and ideas. We feel like we've met someone perfect."

"The ways to turn the focus to himself are various, skilled, as he is a very charming, successful and well-mannered person."

"The simplest everyday way that narcissists show their exaggerated sense of self-importance is by talking about… life in general as if there is nobody else in the picture. Whatever they may be doing, in their own view, they are the star, and they give the impression that they are bearing heroic responsibility…that they have to take care of everything because [those around them] are undependable, uncooperative, or otherwise unfit. They ignore or denigrate the abilities and contributions of others and complain that they receive no help at all; they may inspire your sympathy or admiration for their stoicism in the face of hardship or unstinting self-sacrifice."

"The Type 8 Narcissist is the Martyr. They revel in their suffering. They are victims and love telling people about it. They want care and support and will exploit others to get it. They tend to form relationships with others who have a need to be needed and then they are exploited. This is their way of controlling other people."

"N’s always blame someone else and paint themselves as the victims of others misdeeds. They pound on your sympathy buttons with a sledgehammer. Aww poor N."

"A man asked ‘Do you know what is the first prerequisite you need in order to manipulate someone?’ My knee-jerk response was, ‘Trust!’ The man said, ‘Nope!’ He added, ‘Oh, you can certainly manipulate someone if you have their trust, but that’s not quick or easy to get. The first prerequisite is pity. It’s just meat tenderizer they use on us."

"One common theme that everyone seems to post is how their Ns told stories of a tragic past. Stories about how they were...betrayed by every friend, abused and/or taken advantage of by former lovers, and poorly and unfairly treated by the entire world in-general due to no fault of their own."

"Most narcissists go through life convinced that something is wrong with everyone; that they are victimized, misunderstood, underestimated by intellectual midgets."

"I used to absorb everything he hurled at me. The nasty people at work, his money problems, the ex g/f, thinking of how I could remedy the situation for ‘poor N.’ So while I was up to my eyeballs in his baggage, finding solutions for his problems, he went about his merry way…"

"It’s all about them and their problems and their needs all the time, if you try to tell them about you....they lead it back to them."

"At the commencement of the relationship, the Narcissist is a dream-come-true. He is often intelligent, witty, charming, good looking, an achiever, empathetic, in need of love, loving, caring, attentive and much more. He is the perfect bundled answer to the nagging questions of life: finding meaning, companionship, compatibility and happiness. He is, in other words, ideal.

"They often see themselves as victims... He truly believes he is perfectly innocent of having committed any wrong-doing - ever. He holds himself completely blameless for any part in the breakdown of your relationship."

"During the Idealization phase. He’d bound up to me like an eager puppy wagging its tail. It was hard to believe this was an act, or just the giddiness that went with honing in on a new source of NS. It seemed so real – to me."

My comment: It makes me feel rather sick that all this was on the intenet while this man was sucking me in. But without knowing he suffers from a disorder, there is no way I would ever have seen that all his behaviour was part of a well-known pattern which is indentical in all narcissists.

Quotes from

http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/02/is-this-how-person-with-npd-acts.html

http://www.mvwcs.com/redflag.html
http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/10/why-doesnt-victim-leave-abuser.html
'Red Flag moments’ by Forensic2
http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/transcripts/relationships-with-abusive-narcissists/menu-id-62/page-4/
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html#npd
http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/04/malignant-narcissists-shock-tactics.html

http://sociopathicrelationship.com/

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Recovery from narc abuse

How I fell for him