3 years on

Agggh I just feel like screaming sometimes. Trying to manage someone with NPD drives you insane. But then, everyone told me that ten months ago when I found out he has it.

Why didn't I listen?

Because I thought I was smart enough and strong enough to cope.

Because I could not bear to live without him.

But actually, turns out I am not smart enough OR strong enough. Trying to "manage" him has driven me half crazy, feeling in utter despair, that there is no much I want to say to him but I cannot.

Every time he opens his self-obsessed mouth he says something so bloody arrogant, so narcissistic, so selfish, so tactless, so uncaring, so hurtful or so ugly that it DEMANDS a rebuke from me, yet rebuke is out of the question, so I have to suppress it and bite my lip.

Rebuke is what you give a normal person who has temporarily forgotten his manners.

Rebuke DOES NOT WORK with a narcissist. All he sees is someone being unkind to him for NO REASON AT ALL, because he genuinely cannot see the reason behind the rebuke. All he knows is this: he is perfect, he does nothing wrong, he is just a poor man struggling against all the odds, when the whole world is stacked up against him, he battles on heroically. He never gets any help from anyone, he is undervalued in every aspect of his life, nobody gives him any praise or encouragement in life. Poor, poor him. He just tries to do right, and all he gets is some bloody woman having a go at him for no reason whatsoever!

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Loving too much

For 18 months Narc and me went on occasional dates and afterwards made love. We grew increasingly emotionally close and on Valentine’s Day 2010 he surprised me by turning up unannounced with a bouquet of flowers. He’d shown his true feelings and I realised that I, too, had similar feelings for him. 

We deepened and cemented the relationship by going on a foreign holiday: being together 24/7 changed everything. He behaved exactly as a man does when he is falling in love. He was so romantic, so attentive, so emotionally engaged with me, caring deeply to make me happy in every way he could. He gazed into my eyes lovingly. We bared our souls. It was VERY intense, powerful, emotionally arousing, very exciting to feel us falling in love.

After the holiday, I told him I loved him. He said he still wasn’t quite recovered from the trauma of his last LT relationship. He wasn’t ready to get too committed. He respected, admired, and liked me. He was in for the long haul with me. So I stuck by him, waiting for him to catch up with where I was. 

I was patient, undemanding, just loved him – that is the only way to induce a man to love you, isn’t it? Says so in all those How-To-Win-Him e-books!

I felt secure when he booked another holiday, six months in advance, and twice as long as the first. Apart from his not saying “I love you”, we became like any other LT couple and he opened up and shared everything with me, involved me in his projects, shared all his troubles and thoughts with me. We’d see each other twice a week, exchanged over 1, 000 emails and chatted on the phone. He was always nice, kind, reliable, punctual, polite. 

What made me unhappy was that he wanted to have sex with other women.

I’ve had dozens of lovers but, although 50, he’d had few. He'd just escaped from an unhappy, 20-year relationship and said he needed to experience sex with a few more women just to “get it out of his system” before committing himself 100% to someone again.  I desperately wanted to be that “someone”.

The idea made me feel sick with jealously, but I loved him so much, if this is what it took to win his love, trust, gratitude and his long term commitment to me, then I would have to go along with it. This was the man with whom I expected to spend the rest of my life. If he needed to get this silly thing out of his system then so be it, I would show myself to be reasonable, compassionate, and totally committed to sticking by him till he was ready to make the total commitment that I felt sure was on the horizon.

We agreed a set of rules: if he did ever get the opportunity to bed a woman, he must not lie to her, nor to me, and he must tell her in advance that it can only be a one-night stand because he had a long term girlfriend. He readily agreed to these rules.

Then one day it slipped out that he was seeing another woman twice a week! I was distraught with shock and jealousy and we had an emotionally-fraught discussion. The friendship had started a few months back, before our relationship was this deep, and we were just casually dating, so I had to forgive him because he didn't know at the time how things were going to pan out with me. He wasn't in love with her, in fact she told him she was advertising on internet dating sites to find a boyfriend, and had a date coming up that week.

Of course my kneejerk reaction was to demand he stop seeing her, but he gave me a very long and persuasive explanation. She was a former battered wife, she was ugly, fat, unintelligent, unemployed, hopeless, clumsy, talentless, weak, dependent and penniless. She'd had a terrible, hard life and he felt desperately sorry for her. He did odd DIY jobs for her because she was so helpless and hopeless, and in return she'd cook him a meal. The only reason he had sex with her was that SHE wanted and needed it to bolster her self esteem. He didn't enjoy it, she was dull and he wasn't that attracted to her. But it would be a devastating blow to her self confidence if he were to withdraw the physical closeness now, she'd feel even more unattractive and depressed. He engaged my pity circuits just as he had when he wanted my pity for his own hard life. He pointed out that I had every advantage in life that she did not have: looks, education, a career, money, my own home, confidence, capability, independence. He finished his impassioned speech by assuring me that as soon as she found a proper boyfriend, he’d stop having sex with her, and that would not be long because on internet dating there are 100 men for every woman. 

He repeatedly emphasised that seeing her made no difference to our relationship. It did not take time away from us, and it did not diminish what he felt for me. It was no threat to us whatsoever. There was no way he was ever going to leave me for her, so what was my problem? It was hard to find an answer to this, just saying "Well I am jealous" sounded rather pathetic in the face of the mountain of reasons and justifications he brought forth to support his continuing relationship with her, most of which were concern for her welfare. He also invoked some emotional blackmail (though I did not recognise it as such at the time) by asking me whether, as a feminist, I really wanted him to inflict pain and hurt on the Other Woman, when I had every advantage in life and she had none. He made me feel selfish, spoiled and almost guilty for everything I have that she lacks, both materially and personally.

I loved him so very much, if this it what it took to keep him, I’d just have to tolerate it. I backed down rather than lose him, and besides which, it really was only a temporary situation. We came to an agreement: no more lies, no more secrets. I would tolerate his seeing her, so long as he did not take this to mean that he had free licence to start up with other women. Don''t be ridiculous, he said, and asked rhetorically - where would I find the time or energy to carry on with three women, anyway? He then reminded me of the list of unfinished tasks that he had stacked up, and how very busy and tiring his life was already and was almost laughing at me for suggesting that he could attempt to shoe-horn yet another woman into it.

About two weeks after we made that agreement, he started seeing another woman in secret.  By the time I found out they’d been emailing daily for weeks and had met six times, and he had repeatedly lied to both of us. He told her he was unattached. After making love to me one afternoon, he had even told me a downright pre-planned bare-faced lie in order to get me out of his house quickly because he had invited her round for dinner (and, he hoped, sex). Yes, sex: he tried to seduce her not three hours after he'd been making love with me in that same place.

By the time I found out, she was already hooked on him and on the brink of falling in love. He had made persistent sexual advances to her, but they had not yet had sex was because she demanded both long term commitment and absolute fidelity.

When I found out, on my insistence, he finally told her about me. He played down our relationship and told her another pack of lies. He said that he only saw me once a month or less. In fact in the four weeks leading up to his first date with her we had met 17 times, sent over 100 emails, spoken on the phone and had sex at least ten times. He also told her that his understanding was that it was an open relationship in which he was free to see other women - the exact opposite of the agreement he and I had reached. He also told her that I was "overemotional" (meaning that I was in love with him) and "too demanding".

That last phrase was blatantly contradictory. How can a woman who doesn't mind her fella sleeping around with other women be described as "too demanding"? It was also ironic because the only woman who was making demands on him was this new one, by demanding that he promise her absolute faithfulness and fidelity before she would even sleep with him.

Her reaction to hearing he had a girlfriend (he only told her about me) was to dump him. Then a day later she relented and said that she would date him again but only once he had broken up with me. She would wait for him for six months. He then told me that he was going to dump me in six months time in order to be with her on her terms - i.e. no messing with other women.

The most painful part of this entire story is that, having refused categorically to be faithful to me, he agreed to be faithful to her. After refusing to stop seeing the Other Woman just to please me, he decided to end it with me just to please this new girlfriend. And most insulting of all, he decided to dump me in order to be faithful to her before he had even slept with her. I said, but what if things don't work out with her, you will have lost me for nothing, He just shrugged and said that is a risk he was happy to take. I felt this insult like a punch to the stomach. After I had given him all my love, offered him my very life, shown so much understanding, compassion, been so generous letting him carry on with other women, he repaid me by making it perfectly clear that he had no feelings for me whatever and that if he lost me forever he literally could not care less.

As if all this isn't bad enough, he repeatedly told me that what he really liked about her was that she was so "undemanding" and "easy going", which I ought to be because I am so "demanding" and "overemotional." This is of course crazy-making talk because in reality it was the other way round: SHE was the one who demanded fidelity, not me. She was the one who would not have sex with him for several months until he gave her a long term love commitment. To any sane person, she was the demanding one and I  was the one who was so easy-going that he treated me like a doormat. And I let him. I might as well have had the words "Wipe Feet Here" tattooed on my forehead.

This sequence of events still pains me to my very core. I can never, ever forget what he did, or  forgive him for being so blatantly cruel to me.


How and why I tolerated this series of insults, for that is what they were, I simply do not know. All I can say is, I was hopelessly, passionately and maybe even obsessively in love with him, and it has been seen time and again that a woman that deeply in love will often put up with physical, emotional and psychological abuse and even though she hates it, she feels unable to walk away. That is a failing in feminine psychology, this deep attachment that makes some of us sometimes feel we will die if we don't have this man in our lives.

Instead of telling him to sling his hook, I was so pathetically grateful for having a six-month "stay of execution" that I agreed to carry on providing sex, love, adoration, help, support, until he was ready to dump me for her. That was the most painful six months of my life. At first I was relieved, half a year more of him seemed wonderful compared with losing him immediately, which may well have happened. But, as the weeks passed and that six months turned into four, then three, then two, I slipped imperceptibly into a nervous breakdown. By the fifth month I could bear it no longer. I was a nervous wreck, I was so clinically depressed my doctor put me on medication. I was sobbing convulsively every day, overeating, unable to work, unable to think, and phoning the Samaritans daily. And yet as soon as I hung up after the allotted hour, I had to ring back again because my heart was still full to the brim of utter misery and despair. I used to phone a different branch each time because I was so ashamed of my neediness and taking up more than my fair share of their precious resources. I also phoned my best friend sometimes for three or four hours at a time. I was a burden on everyone and was sinking so much chocolate that I was gaining weight by the week. I suffered the most heart-wrenching turmoil, swinging wildly between feeling that I wanted to hold on to him till the bitter end and, conversely, wanting to pre-empt the inevitable and gaining a bit of my own life back by telling him it was over.


And all through this all he did was talk incessantly about himself and how hard-done-by he was by the entire world, how he did not get enough attention, recognition, praise or encouragement; how his employer treated him as though he were the same as anyone else when, clearly, he was Special. His friends were all stupid and unhelpful and unsupportive; he had too much to do and nobody to help him. The grass needed cutting, the water bill had come in... he subjected me to this "Poor Me Monologue" every time we met. My job was to sit and play Nodding Dog and the only sounds he wanted out of me were "Poor you, oh that must be awful for you" and "oh you are so wonderful, so talented, so handsome, so brilliant' repeated ad infinitum. And yet all the time knowing that he considered me too demanding, too emotional, and of less importance than a pair of worn-out slippers he would be discarding in the bin as soon as the new pair arrived.

How I tolerated being humiliated in this way, I just dont know. In the end I did end it, five months into the six. But even then I lied because I still could not tell him to his face that he had done anything wrong or how much he was hurting me. I told him we should split up because when he presented himself to her at the end of six months, she would not take him seriously if, when asked, he told her he'd only finished with me the day before. She'd need it to be at least a month, I said.

Even after all he'd done to hurt, insult, exploit and abuse me, I was still utterly devastated by the relationship ending. I could barely function. I lay in bed sobbing all morning, utterly distraught. Again I was on the phone to friends, to the Samaritans, to anyone who would listen. They all thought I was well shot of a man who was clearly a selfish, narcissistic woman-abuser. How could I, as a feminist, for goodness sake, be in love with such a man? I felt SO ashamed, so bitterly ashamed.  I could not think, could not work, could not  function properly. I did not want to do Christmas at all, I could not be bothered with presents or cards. By the end of December I began to feel suicidal.

Recovery from narc abuse

By Laura Kamienski

Stages of recovery for victims of NPD:

1. Realization: In the beginning, it was a dream come true. The most intoxicating earth-shattering love imaginable. Then came the 1st crack in perfection. An inexplicable rage in your partner that seemed way out of line with the circumstance.

Then, maybe you remember that moment when it finally dawned on you that "something" was not right. At first, you thought you were dealing with a person who had 2 sides to him: A good side and a bad (conflicted) side. You figured others (the ones who warned you) didn't understand the underlying good person. You thought you could be the person who made that person whole: At least that's what he told you.

In a short period of time, you went from being perfection in his eyes, to a person who could do nothing right. You walked on eggshells avoiding anything that might set him off. You lived for the moment that things would go back to the way they were.

The fights were confusing. Sometimes you didn't even know what you'd done to anger him. The rages became more frequent and began to resemble abuse (verbal or physical). The lies were the most confusing because sometimes they were about things so insignificant, there was no point to the lie. He made you think that YOU were the one with "memory problems" and at one point, you actually thought it might be true that you were losing it. (You were a victim of gaslighting).

The more dominant he became, the more submissive you became...losing yourself in the process.

Then one day, perhaps via the Internet or a magazine article, or TV special....you became aware of NPD and suddenly you realized you weren't alone and there was an actual disorder associated with the person you thought you knew.

2. Denial: You researched NPD and because the prognosis for it is so bleak, you continually searched for a different (more treatable) disorder.

You left him, then fell victim again, and "danced the dance" over and over again until your emotions were so sapped that you were at the point of breakdown yourself.

You drove your family and friends crazy talking about it constantly. This also served to make you look like a complete idiot everytime you once again fell for his manipulative declarations of love and change.

Eventually you realized that your partner was a Narcissist and you were terrified.

3. Anger at the N: You began to uncover all the lies and deceptions. The anger was overwhelming. How could he act that way to someone who had given so much of themselves? You were so angry that you had constant thoughts and even nightmares about him. You watched as he continued his routine of exploitation with others and even thought of "outing" this master of deception to the rest of the world.

4. Anger at yourself: (The most difficult stage of all.) You began to feel like an idiot for having let yourself be so obviously deceived. You realized you were going to have to eat mud, because many of your friends warned you that he was not what he seemed. You became deeply depressed and had a long road ahead recuperating the part of yourself that you sacrificed to an illusion. The fact that you finally realized he and your relationship was only an illusion, only served to depress you more deeply.

5. Coming to terms: You made a complete emotional (and hopefully physical) break from him. At this point he didn't even like you anymore as you weren't supplying NS, anyway. You started to pick up the pieces and regain the inner strength you previously had. You networked and your friends began to enjoy the fact that you had something to talk about that didn't involve your "N." You started to laugh again and enjoy the things you'd unconsciously given up. You began to feel like a valuable person again.

Oddly enough, this for many, was a dangerous moment because with your new strength, you became once again "attractive/valued" to your "N." But this time you knew enough to know that he was a "Soul Without Footprints" and the person you thought existed was a figment of his own imagination mixed in with a little wishful thinking on your part.

So you walked away, half-healed, but still slightly marred by self-doubt. Perhaps you began to see NPD EVERYWHERE...even when it wasn't merited.

But most important, you came to know you were involved with a person with an illness of the emotions that can rarely be treated....and it wasn't your fault.

*Note: And although the disorder is not his fault and empathy can not be surgically transplanted, he is well aware of the harm and hurt he causes. He just honestly doesn't care because he does not have the capacity to actually feel what others feel...only what he himself feels. N's are emotional predators. They will steal your heart to acquire your happiness, money, prestige....or whatever it is that feeds their NS needs.

6. True Recovery: One day you wake up and find that you honestly don't care anymore. It is the most liberating feeling imaginable. You realize that normal people are everywhere and your brush with this previously unimaginable individual or anyone else like him, is not likely to ever happen again.

You are now ready to resume life. Make lemonade from the lemons in your life. Use the information you unwillingly aquired, as a life-lesson. Use it to realize that you are one of the luckiest people in the world because YOU have the ability to laugh and enjoy life. YOU have a second chance at happiness. The "N" probably never will. If perchance you have a need for revenge...that in itself should suffice.

 From http://laurakamienski.blogspot.com/2010_07_01_archive.html

How I fell for him

 MY PERFECT MAN

This is what drew me in, in the first place. I appear to have an enormous capacity for PITY. I am, in other words, a sucker for a sob story. When someone with NPD (aka a 'narc') meets someone with a huge amount of pity, they make a beeline for that person and begin the slow process of sucking them dry. They will lay it on thickly, the never-ending Poor Me Monologue.

At first you think, 'Oh my god, poor man! He's like a lost child. No human being can help oozing pity when he pouts and says in his quiet, apparently non-demanding, almost humble way, looking up at you with his big, soulful brown eyes, 'Nobody understands me, nobody has ever said they love me, nobody really takes any interest in my projects and hobbies..."

Only a person with a heart of stone would fail to feel pity for this man. He's so polite, so charming, so humble, so quietly-spoken, so meek and so good looking and generally lovable. Poor him! He is so hard done by, the world has been SO cruel to him, yet he has done nothing to deserve it. In his own words, he is 'decent, honest, truthful, respectful'. Why can't the world see these wonderful qualities that he has? Because the world is cruel, that is why, because the world gives all the love and attention to loud, arrogant, cocky men who strut around demanding attention and respect. And all the while this sweet, humble, honest, decent man is overlooked.

This man not only needed my love, my pity and my care, he (unlike most) actually DESERVED it. Here at last was a man to whom I could give my heart, knowing that he'd cherish me in return because he would also take an interest in me and see that I have, just like him, wonderful qualities to bring to what was sure to be a mutually satisfying, loving, caring, two-way, equal relationship.

At the beginning, he is the neediest one, so the relationship isn't equal. But you know that relationships swing like pendula. When one is needy, the other gives, and vice versa. At this point, he was the needy one, and so for now it would be temporarily unbalanced because I had a lot of remedial work to carry out on him before he could reciprocate.

Where to start?

Well, firstly, none of his family or friends take any interest in his hobbies. He is rebuilding his house singlehanded. Why can't these morons see what a heroic task this is? He grumbles that they take no interest, but when I say that's terrible, he responds by defending them in quiet, kind words. Oh they mean well, I suppose it's just that they aren't interested in what I am doing. He flashes me a glance with those gorgeous eyes then pouts with disappointment. So I'm the one who is angry with his family and friends for not being supportive, and he is saying, Don't be harsh on them, they are good people, really they are. And I am amazed that he can be so generous as to defend these people who are treating him so badly. This reinforces what a thoroughly nice bloke he is, and, ipso facto, deserves to have his small needs met.

I resolve to give him every bit of praise and encouragement that he needs. It costs nothing, just a few words now and again. And the first time I do it, I am rewarded when his whole face lights up with happiness and gratitude. I even get hugged and kissed. His appreciation seems disproportionate, but that just serves to reinforce how terribly needy he is, how much he's been unfairly deprived of any kind of positive feedback for the stupendous amount of work, both backbreaking and skilled, that he has performed on his house.

Women of my age (50s) are always bemoaning the fact that 'all the good men are either spoken for or gay.' It seemed incredible, unbelievable, that such a  'catch' was single and available. I genuinely felt that I had moved a rock and found underneath a diamond that nobody had noticed, because they were too star-struck by the Fool's Gold glittering in the sun nearby. What treasure I found, lurking unnoticed by anyone because it didn't scream 'Hey, look at me!'

He explained that he was undervalued and underappreciated at work. He said he was one of only six people in the UK who had his skills. Naturally I was appalled on his behalf and reassured him that they should be grateful to have someone so skilled working for them. He ought to get raises, bonuses, praise, commendations, medals!

His relationship history is heart-wrenching. Until recently, he has been living with a woman for twenty years. She never once said that she loved him. I am shocked, and cradle him in my arms as he pouts. She must be a robot - who could possibly FAIL to love such a lovable man? So why didn't you leave her? Because she could not cope without me, he says. Shortly after we bought the house together, she suddenly and without discussion cut her work hours by half, and so she could not survive financially without his income. I am outraged that she took advantage of him in this way! Helping herself to his earnings! Why didn't he stand up for himself? Because he just wanted a quiet life. I explain to this sweet, naive man that she manipulated him into a situation in which he had to work harder and pay all the bills so she could have loads of free time to hang out with her friends! He quietly defends her. Oh no, she's a good, kind person, really. Well, I say, no doubt having all that free time meant she saw to the housework, so it's a fair exchange... Oh no, he corrects me, he did more than his half-share of the housework and he did all the cooking. She did a bit of tidying up now and again, filled the washing machine occasionally. I am appalled and outraged on his behalf. This woman has clearly exploited his gentle, non-confrontational nature.

She part-owned the house, so surely she, if no one else, gave him support, praise and encouragement in its rebuilding? No, she was not in the least bit interested in any of the improvements he was making. He'd work his fingers to the bone to make a beautiful home for her, and she didn't even notice. Oh my goodness, that must have been soul-destroying. How could she NOT be interested? I reassured him that it was very interesting to me.

Oh, he adds, not only did she never say she loved him, she was completely emotionally and physically cold towards him. No kisses, no cuddles... and no sex! Well, when they first met she would do anything to please him and as often as he liked. But for some reason that he could not understand, while they were living together she grew increasingly cold and withdrew. He looked hurt and bewildered. The poor man didn't even realise he was a victim of the classic bait-and-switch! Someone acts in a certain way to snare and trap you, then stops. You should have ended it years ago, I said. Yes, I suppose so, he said, but it would be extremely caddish for a man to throw a woman out just because she's not giving him sex. I just had to learn to live without it. Didn't you have affairs, I asked, ready to defend his right to do so, and he said no, he could not do such a horrible thing to her. Besides, he added as an afterthought, she was very jealous and controlling, he had to account for his every movement, so even if he could have overcome his moral objection, he could not have obtained the space or time to have an affair, anyway. It seemed incredibly cruel to refuse him sex, AND refuse to let him get it anywhere else -- did she expect him to be celibate from the age of 35 until he died? That was outrageous!

He goes quiet for a few moments, then a little-boy-lost look appears on his face and he adds, but it wasn't the withdrawal of sex that hurt me so much, but the withholding of any kind of affection or love. She refused even to kiss me. In the end we both agreed that we had to split up, and she was terribly nice about it, and I am relieved and grateful that she took the break-up so well.

By now I am in tears at his almost inhuman generosity of spirit towards her, that she clearly did not deserve. The poor man! What terrible trauma he'd been through. He now bore the scars of a browbeaten man who had suffered the witholding of sex, love and affection coupled with being tightly supervised by an unfair, unjust, selfish, control freak. I made a mental note never, ever to be any of those things. I felt an enormous urge to be the opposite of everything SHE was.

The sad story of his long term relationship explained why such a wonderful, charming, decent, kind, perfect-in-every-way man was still single - because he had been entrapped and practically held hostage by this cold-hearted user who had ruthlessly exploited his innocent generosity. They'd only just split, and I was aware that if I didn't snap him up quickly I'll have missed my small window of opportunity that existed before he went straight into another long-term commitment and, given that he was already fifty, this amounted to being taken 'off the market' forever. It was surely only a matter of weeks, if not days, before another woman would, like me, become away of this treasure right under her nose in the office or the neighbourhood.

He told me with great modesty that he had worked hard all his life to teach himself motorcycle engineering and was now highly skilled. I was very impressed. He could manufacture every part of a motorbike himself now, on his own premises, and spent part of his free time rebuilding vintage bikes. The only trouble was, others with similar bikes exploited his hard-earned knowledge. They'd interrupt him while he was busy plastering a wall or mending his own bike, or having some well-earned but rare leisure time, and keep him on the phone for hours asking for his expert advice. Some even brought their bikes to his workshop and expected him to mend them! I said it was a darned cheek! Why didn't he stand up to them? He shrugged passively and explained that they needed him, there was literally nobody else in the world who could solve their problems, and so he had no choice but to help them. I said he should charge for telephone consultations, or tell people he was busy. But it was obvious to me by then that he could possilby be that hard-nosed. he had the softest, tenderest heart of any man, and people trampled all over it. He told me that every year he organised and hosted a motorcycle rally and barbecue, with no help from anyone, ever, and all at his own expense. Each year fewer people turned up, and yet it cost him a huge amount of effort, time and money to organise. My heart cried out in utter pity for him. I had never felt so sorry for someone in my whole life.

By now he and I were in a set pattern: he would tell me how badly people treated him, I became appalled and outraged on his behalf, then he'd quietly defend them from my attack, saying they weren't all that bad. These people meant well, they didn't mean to be such a bother. Again I shook my head in disbelief that this man could have such generosity of spirit towards people who were constantly taking advantage of his good nature. I was so emotionally touched that he still had only good things to say about such people, it proved what a lovely person he was, who sees only the good in everyone, which is a wonderful quality to have. Unfortunately his innocent naivety had left him wide open to exploitation. Clearly, he needed me not only to praise and encourage him, to support and love him, but to protect him from any future mis-use.

He also told me many anecdotes about himself. I was thrilled to bits to meet a man so emotionally open, so willing to share his inner self with me. I was flattered that he trusted me so much that he could open up to me so easily. I didn't realise, because he did it so subtly, that all his anecdotes served to illustrate how kind, decent, upright, moral, gentle and generous he was. He made a particular virtue of his honesty -- he would never tell a lie.

Everything I learned from this wonderful man's frankness made me believe it was 100% safe to give him all my love without reservation or holding back, because everything he said made it perfectly clear that he longed for it, needed it, was almost literally crying out for it. This was a man who would never break my heart, never leave me (so long as I treated him right, which of course I would). Secondly, unlike many men, he has no fear of long term commitment, so this was a man I could set up home with in the future. And he would be a perfect house-mate, too, because he would happily share the chores.

Unbelievable as it seemed, I genuinely HAD met the Perfect Man.  

I pinched myself, and found that I was awake!

****************************************************

If only I had known he had NPD I could have googled it and found these quotes from other victims. I have emboldened the words that sting me the most or have the most resonance.

"They can come across as a sad lost child sometimes, so that you feel for them and want to take care of them."

 "Every narcissist I have known puts on false modesty. They clamor for admiration between the lines, subtly."

"Our 'soul mate' is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his ‘idealization’ of us phase."

"Narcissists are possessed of inordinate abilities to charm, to convince, to seduce and to persuade. They are gifted orators. In many cases, they are intellectually endowed. They put all this to the limited use of obtaining Narcissistic Supply.  He uses charm to...ensure that the person he ‘bewitched’ won’t disappear on him."

“The narcissist mimics real emotions artfully. He exudes the air of someone really capable of loving or of being hurt, of one passionate and soft, empathic and caring. Most people are misled into believing that he is even more humane than average. They fall in love with the mirage, the fleeting image, with the fata morgana of a lush emotional oasis in the midst of their emotional desert. They succumb to the luring proposition that he is. They give in, give up, and give everything."

"He appears to be intelligent, charming and, therefore, reliable. He is a convincing conjurer of words, signs, behaviours, and body language."


"They appear to be our 'soulmate' in the early 'idealization of us' stage of the relationship. When they are 'introjecting' or mirroring, they assimilate our plans, philosophies, dreams and goals. They can mimic our words and ideas. We feel like we've met someone perfect."

"The ways to turn the focus to himself are various, skilled, as he is a very charming, successful and well-mannered person."

"The simplest everyday way that narcissists show their exaggerated sense of self-importance is by talking about… life in general as if there is nobody else in the picture. Whatever they may be doing, in their own view, they are the star, and they give the impression that they are bearing heroic responsibility…that they have to take care of everything because [those around them] are undependable, uncooperative, or otherwise unfit. They ignore or denigrate the abilities and contributions of others and complain that they receive no help at all; they may inspire your sympathy or admiration for their stoicism in the face of hardship or unstinting self-sacrifice."

"The Type 8 Narcissist is the Martyr. They revel in their suffering. They are victims and love telling people about it. They want care and support and will exploit others to get it. They tend to form relationships with others who have a need to be needed and then they are exploited. This is their way of controlling other people."

"N’s always blame someone else and paint themselves as the victims of others misdeeds. They pound on your sympathy buttons with a sledgehammer. Aww poor N."
 

"A man asked ‘Do you know what is the first prerequisite you need in order to manipulate someone?’ My knee-jerk response was, ‘Trust!’ The man said, ‘Nope!’ He added, ‘Oh, you can certainly manipulate someone if you have their trust, but that’s not quick or easy to get. The first prerequisite is pity. It’s just meat tenderizer they use on us."
 

"One common theme that everyone seems to post is how their Ns told stories of a tragic past. Stories about how they were...betrayed by every friend, abused and/or taken advantage of by former lovers, and poorly and unfairly treated by the entire world in-general due to no fault of their own."


"Most narcissists go through life convinced that something is wrong with everyone; that they are victimized, misunderstood, underestimated by intellectual midgets."

"I used to absorb everything he hurled at me. The nasty people at work, his money problems, the ex g/f, thinking of how I could remedy the situation for ‘poor N.’ So while I was up to my eyeballs in his baggage, finding solutions for his problems, he went about his merry way…"
 

"It’s all about them and their problems and their needs all the time, if you try to tell them about you....they lead it back to them."


"At the commencement of the relationship, the Narcissist is a dream-come-true. He is often intelligent, witty, charming, good looking, an achiever, empathetic, in need of love, loving, caring, attentive and much more. He is the perfect bundled answer to the nagging questions of life: finding meaning, companionship, compatibility and happiness. He is, in other words, ideal.


"They often see themselves as victims... He truly believes he is perfectly innocent of having committed any wrong-doing - ever. He holds himself completely blameless for any part in the breakdown of your relationship."

"During the Idealization phase.  He’d bound up to me like an eager puppy wagging its tail.  It was hard to believe this was an act, or just the giddiness that went with honing in on a new source of NS.  It seemed so real – to me."

My comment: It makes me feel rather sick that all this was on the intenet while this man was sucking me in. But without knowing he suffers from a disorder, there is no way I would ever have seen that all his behaviour was part of a well-known pattern which is indentical in all narcissists.

Quotes from

http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/02/is-this-how-person-with-npd-acts.html

http://www.mvwcs.com/redflag.html
http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/10/why-doesnt-victim-leave-abuser.html
'Red Flag moments’ by Forensic2
http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/transcripts/relationships-with-abusive-narcissists/menu-id-62/page-4/
 http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html#npd
http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/04/malignant-narcissists-shock-tactics.html

http://sociopathicrelationship.com/